


You & I

by mybigfatcat



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, akanishi jin/kuroki meisa (past), slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 09:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10241948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybigfatcat/pseuds/mybigfatcat
Summary: A story about Jin, his current best friend, his friend that argueshe'shis best friend,acceptance, and Kazuya.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Michiru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Michiru/gifts).



> To my recipient; I was pondering your likes and your dislikes, and the current state of affairs for Jin and Kame and the recent PiKame development, and this story popped into my head. I decided to go non-AU (I hope you won't mind) and I hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Also, thanks to my beta who helped me track down some of my weirder spelling shenanigans.
> 
> **Prompt:** “I won't be your rebound fuck.”

~~~

**You**

**_Present time_ **

 

Jin is at first not sure if he's seen what he thinks he's seen or not. There's a moment of hesitation, it was only a second, and he only saw a part of his profile, but that nose... it must have been. He's stuck in a line though, waiting to get through security, and whoever it was that he saw is long gone by now. Narita airport is big, there's already hundreds of people between them, and Jin will never catch up with him.

Jin's timing always seems to be off.

 

**_Ten years later_ **

 

"So you're all set?"

"Yes, Jin. Thank you," Meisa says and loads the last bag into the back of the car, letting one hand rest up on the open tailgate of her SUV. Jin bites his lip and nods carefully. He's not sure if she's annoyed or stressed.

Meisa pulls down on the tailgate and it lowers and closes automatically, she brushes her hands together to get rid of invisible dust.

"Really, I'm grateful that you can watch him while we're gone," she says and catches his eyes with hers.

Jin nods again and smiles. She's definitely not irritated, she looks mostly a bit tired. He'd probably be tired too if he was taking the kids to Okinawa for two weeks in the middle of the summer.

"I'm glad to help, and I love hanging out with him, you know that."

There's a sudden thump from inside the car and they both turn to look. It looks suspiciously calm in there.

"We better get going if we're going to beat the traffic."

"Yes, you should start now," Jin agrees and suddenly feels that odd displacement that he's grown out of feeling in the last year or so. It's back though, and his hand itches to reach out. To do anything.

Instead he smiles again and walks up to the backseat window and knocks on the glass with a knuckle. Theia looks up and lowers the window with the button.

"Yes, dad?" she asks and feigns annoyance. 

Yuu is playing a game on a tablet but looks up from his side of the car, looking happy enough for them both.

“Remember what I've told you, be nice to your mother and be nice to each other. Your grandfather and grandmother are old now, so be careful,” he says, even though he doesn't really need to. Jin knows his kids, they'll whine and tease each other, but they've always behaved when they go visit the grandparents. Even Theia, and the current disinterest in her parents, will do good. He's sure.

Meisa huffs a little as she gets into the car, catching his eyes in the rear view mirror. She'll grow out of it, he tries to tell her but he probably just looks constipated.

“I'll give Ted ice cream every day while your gone,” he teases and Yuu chuckles at him. Theia folds her arms across her chest.

“No you won't dad. It's not good for dogs,” she says and Yuu agrees happily.

“Okay, you caught me,” Jin lifts his hands into the air and takes a step back from the car, “so you'll have to eat ice cream instead. Have a safe trip.”

The kids echo their goodbyes and Meisa waves before starting the car and pulling away from the curb.

Jin stands and watches the car drive down the street, he watches as Meisa indicates left and slows down at the intersection, he watches long after the car has disappeared out of view behind the corner. The suburban gray and white two-story houses surrounding him look dead and empty even in the summer sunshine. He stays a few minutes longer than he'd usually let himself and then he heads back to the house to get the dog and lock up.

Ted is always glad to see him. He wags his tail and looks up, his long fluffy ears falling away from his face with the long nose and the dark eyes. Jin doesn't feel as… whatever it is, when Ted is around, he's very grateful that Meisa decided to leave the dog behind and not to take him with them to Okinawa.

He leans down and pats Ted behind his ear before toeing out of his sneakers and heading to the kitchen to get the organic dog food Meisa insisted on him taking. She's put it in a tote bag with some supermarket chain's name on it, he smiles, and then subsequently frowns, as he grabs it and hangs it off his shoulder. It's a small kitchen, but he likes it. The kid's drawings and photos from Yuu's latest baseball game are hanging on the fridge, colorful magnets keeping them in place. He knows where Meisa has put the glasses, and the plates. He even knows where she hides the bar of dark chocolate that she thinks no one knows about. But he doesn't live here. The odd feeling he had out by the car returns and he moves out of reflex.

“We're going on a walk, Ted,” he says as he returns to the hallway and Ted bounds up, happy as always and stands patiently as Jin attaches the leash to his collar.

-

It's a warm walk to the nearest train station, Ted only barks once as he hops after a butterfly that flutters on completely unaware of the furry yellow dog underneath him. Jin nods in greeting at an old lady who passes them with a dachshund on tow, she smiles back as her dog glances at Ted, who in turn tries to walk over there but is stopped by the leash in Jin's hand.

The train ride is as uneventful. He reads a few mails from his assistant and strokes Ted on his head without really paying attention to either thing. Whenever he looks up there's a Johnny's group looking down on him from a poster along the side of the train.

He's taken his sunglasses off and they're safely hanging in the breast pocket of his jacket. Only a school kid is looking their way, perhaps in Yuu's age, but he's looking mostly at Ted.

“Hey, do you want to eat ice cream when we get home?” he asks Ted after putting away the phone.

Ted looks up at him and pants a bit.

“I promised Theia though,” he replies quietly and ruffles the fur on Ted's head, “so we'll have to keep it a secret.”

-

Jin wakes up with sand in his eyes, gravel in his throat and warm fur against his cheek. The TV is still on and a morning news segment is on, one of those where the far too many hosts ooh and aah at stuff like big pumpkins or a new stage production. He rubs his eyes with the heal of his right hand, his left is stuck underneath the sleeping dog.

The kitchen area is bathing in sunlight, the counter hidden under piles of dishes and empty fast food boxes. The bag of dog food stands on his small kitchen table, exactly where he left it last night. Jin looks down on himself and he's still wearing the jeans and the sweatshirt he wore yesterday. He remembers the taste of beer, watching a Chinese action movie and the urge to stand up and kick something. He also remembered toying with the idea to take the phone and call… someone. Anyone really. The recollection of the rest of the evening comes barging back into his mind and Jin groans when his head throbs with the hangover. It's enough for Ted to stir slightly in his sleep.

Ted stirs again as Jin is reaching for the TV remote control. He stretches and jumps down from the couch, silently walking to the front door with very determined steps.

“I'm coming pal,” Jin croaks and has to cough to clear his throat.

“Let me… get up and, let me get up and use the bathroom. Okay?”

Ted sits down in the genkan and waits.

After Jin's closed the bathroom door behind him he washes his face and looks at himself in the mirror for a while. He's looking more and more like his dad with every year he gains, with every new wrinkle around his mouth and eyes. There's some gray starting to come into his hair, only a little by one of his temples, but it's enough that Meisa joked about it. Meisa who...

Jin shrugs and stops that train of thought before it goes somewhere that's the opposite of productive. He relieves his bladder, but decides against brushing his teeth when he can hear the faint sounds of paws against wooden floors moving around outside the door.

-

“Bring him inside,” the man who works in the convenient store says through the opened door. Jin has just bent down to tie the leash around the bicycle racks beside the entrance.

“Are you sure?” he asks and the old man says he is and nods as if his life depends on it. Okay then, Jin thinks, and takes a hesitant first step onto the polished floor.

“It's a Cocker Spaniel, right?” the old man asks.

Jin takes a breath of relief, it's just a dog lover.

“Yes, this is Ted.”

“What a handsome dog,” the convenient store man says and walks around the counter to hand Ted something that's in his hand.

“It's a dog biscuit,” the man announces with a bright smile to Jin and squats in front of Ted.

“Sure, it's fine I mean,” Jin replies and feels a bit weird just standing there as the man he's only ever said _good day_ and _thank you_ to pets his kids' dog behind his ear and happily hand him a bone-shaped treat.

At least the awkward small talk with the other man as Jin buys his tea and rice ball is better than the one he'd have to have with his accountant later in the week. He wishes he could send someone else.

Soon he's on his way and leaving the convenience store behind him, a happy dog at his side, the heat already radiating from the road.

“Yukio was bouncing in the car all the way too and from the airport, and in the airplane too,” Meisa had said and laughed when she'd called last night to let him know that they had arrived at her parent's house safely. Yuu had practically been bubbling with delight over the sea and the trees and the crabs he was going to catch with his grandfather in the morning. Theia had been a bit too cool to admit that she had thought the touchscreen on the airplane seat cool, even though Yuu was insisting in the background. It's nice, that they still want to tell him things when he's not around. That they miss him. Ted barks as if he agrees. Jin as he gets a better grip around the plastic bag holding his breakfast and jogs the last few yards towards the park.

He likes it there, in the park down the street from his apartment. It's mostly older people there, walking their pets, and if people recognize him they at least don't make a big deal out of it. He can sit on a bench and throw a stick for Ted to fetch, eat his rice ball and drink his tea, without a single person approaching him. It would have been completely unthinkable a decade ago. When he finally takes his phone out of his pocket to check his mails he only finds one from Tomo. He's saying that he's going to bring lunch over to Jin's since the filming that was planned for today was canceled.

“We're going to take the long way around the park,” Jin says to his kid's dog as he's collecting the empty containers from his meal, “because the guy who lost your favorite toy is coming over later.”

-

Jin has barely managed to let his friend inside the apartment when Tomo frowns and pulls down his glasses from where they're usually perched on his head.

“What kind of fashion statement are you making today then?” he asks.

“What do you mean? I always look like this,” Jin says.

Tomo returns his glasses to their spot, making his shorter hair look a bit wild, and tuts.

“To varying degrees of this horrible effect, sure.”

“Hey, at least take your shoes off before you start nagging,” Jin says and can't help but to smile. Tomo himself is wearing a pair of fashionably distressed jeans with heavy leather boots and a knitted sweater, in summer.

Tomo sighs, like he always does when he thinks Jin is being silly, and hands over the plastic bags which presumably contains their lunch.

“I'm just showing my concern, because those clothes look like you've slept in them.”

“Oh right,” Jin realizes and looks down on his sweatshirt, “I did.”

If he'd smiled at Tomo's earlier expression then this one makes him laugh.

“Don't worry, they're clean,” he assures his friend.

“Better be,” Tomo says and sits down on the floor to pull his boots off his feet, “I brought Chinese. I hope you like egg rolls because they gave me enough to feed ten people.”

Jin is not surprised because that's Tomo's usual way of ordering food, completely out of control and without any kind of regard for the people that get stuck with their fridge packed full of takeout leftovers.

“Hey boy,” Tomo says when he stands up again and spots Ted sitting behind Jin, staring back at him.

“He still hasn't forgotten, huh? Do you think an egg roll might get me on his good side?” Tomo asks and tries to smile at Ted, probably hoping it'll make a difference.

Ted shifts a bit but keeps staring.

“I think it's a lost case, just give up.” Jin pats Tomo's shoulder and heads towards the kitchen, he dumps the bags on the kitchen table and Tomo follows him there.

“Get a couple of waters from the fridge,” Jin says and takes down some plates and glasses from the shelf above the sink. It takes a bit of arranging but they finally fit most of the takeout containers on the small table. They fall into a comfortable silence as they start eating, the silence only broken by Tomo's appreciative hums and Ted's faint whining as he sits and begs for scraps by Jin's leg.

It's not until fifteen minutes later when Tomo's phone buzzes that they talk again. Tomo reads the message he's gotten, and shakes his head, looking entertained and tired at the same time.

“That Kamenashi… if he works any harder he'll make the rest of us unemployed. This is the third time he's canceled on me this week.”

Jin clears his throat and takes a sip of water, putting down his chopsticks.

“What?”

“It's just weird that's all, you and him. Kamenashi and you,” Jin says and sighs.

“Jin, you're aware that I've been Kamenashi's friend for twenty years now, right?” Tomo has brought his glasses down from their perch, and is studying Jin closely through them. Jin knows it's ridiculous, he doesn't need anyone else pointing that out. No one else really knows the full story, no one but him and Kamenashi… well maybe not even Jin knows all the details. It's been so long.

“Sure, you really liked him back then,” Jin says with a bit more snark than he had intended.

Tomo doesn't seem the least bit fazed by it thought.

“I didn't, you're right, but I didn't hate him. We had some fun when we were kids though, and he's a good friend now. See, I like to stay in touch with the people, even if I owe it to them or not,” Tomo says. His brows are furrowed and his eyes are narrow, Jin knows that look all too well. He knows most of Tomo's looks of devious planning.

“Thanks for the lunch, we'll have to do this again. Soon.”

Maybe if he leaves now then Tomo will lose interest.

“No, sit down again. Jin have you got something that you want to share with the rest of the class?” Tomo asks and grins, “you're jealous. Still, even after what? How long has it been since you even met him? Talked to him?”

“Truthfully?” Jin says and leans a bit closer. He's leaning his elbows against the table, nervously fiddling with his unused napkin.

Tomo nods and leans closer as well, barely keeping his curiosity contained.

“I met him in January, after new years. Before that in November. Okay?”

Jin doesn't really dare to look up, he keeps his eyes fixed on his hands and the napkin. He can hear Tomo drawing in a breath and holding it, as if he's going to speak but can't. It takes a while before the quiet is ended by Tomo's awkward chuckle.

“You're kidding?” he asks and Jin finally finds courage to look up. Tomo doesn't look like he thinks it funny.

“No, I'm serious. It's just that first we weren't allowed to meet and then we weren't allowed to meet in public and it sort of just stuck. We don't tell anyone about it and no one bothers us about it. No one needs to know I'm still-” Jin pauses to find the right words, the truth not really cutting it, “….friends with Kamenashi.”

“What do you mean _no one needs to know_? What do you do when you meet up, sacrifice chickens?” Tomo asks and is barely managing to keep his voice lowered. Jin shushes him out of reflex and Tomo glares at him in return. This isn't exactly going as well as Jin had hoped, hell, he'd never even imagined telling his friend about this. Not even this mess of half-truths and omissions. He's not sure what Kamenashi will think about it, after all he's Tomo's friend too.

“We just catch up, that's all. We didn't hang out at all there for a while… a long time actually, but we bumped into each other and well we talked.”

“And before that?” Tomo asks. Jin almost flinches but takes a breath and forces his shoulders and jaws to relax.

“I don't remember exactly,” Jin says, but in fact he even remembers the date, “but sometime in 2011.”

Tomo's eyes widen almost comically.

“I can't believe you haven't told me that you kept in touch with him that long. I can't believe Kamenashi didn't tell me either!” Tomo shakes his head and looks disappointed but Jin knows that glint in his eye, he's not really all that upset.

“You weren't close with him back then,” Jin argues. His friend leans back in his seat and crosses his arms across his chest, looking Jin up and down.

“Well no, I'm supposed to be your best friend. These are the things you should tell your best friend.”

Jin feels a laugh bubbling and breaking free, it gets caught on the way up from his chest and he coughs instead. But they're both smiling now. Tomo has always known when it's time to ease up with the inquisition, which suits Jin just fine.

“Well, only you're not my best friend,” Jin says and reaches down to pat Ted behind his ear. He's been sitting there patiently throughout their whole meal, not looking even once at something other than where Jin's plate sits on the table.

“You're practically becoming a hermit, old man. Who else would it be?”

Jin grins and looks down at Ted, then back up at Tomo. It takes him a moment but then Tomo bursts out laughing. The uncontrolled, uncensored laughter that he reserves for his friends and family.

“Hey, this actually makes me feel less pathetic about my twenty-fifth breakup with Yumi. Here you are, and old man, and your best friend is your kids' dog,” Tomo says and as quick as that it's like everything is forgotten. Jin can bury the truth, from himself and his friend, again and forget for a moment that every waking second he wants to call Kamenashi and beg him to let him explain. Not even drinking all that beer last night had helped. He'd had to stop himself from thinking of Kamenashi the moment he woke up, he had to stop himself as he sat on that park bench and ate his breakfast. As he read some work mails and tidied up some of the mess in the kitchen before Tomo arrives.

He has to stop himself from thinking of Meisa too, and how it feels like a betrayal that he can't forget about Kamenashi even though he and Meisa split two years ago and their divorce was filed a year after that. The years just melt into each other when it comes to Kamenashi.

When Tomo leaves a while later for work, predictably after shoving all the leftovers into Jin's poor unsuspecting fridge, Jin manages to keep it together until the door closes. He's promised to call Tomo later in the week, to let him know that he hasn't drowned in dog drool. The moment the door closes the silence becomes oppressive, not even Ted's happy yelp as he sneaks him an egg roll from the leftovers on his plate cheers him up.

-

It's easy denying himself things if he can convince himself that he's not worth the thing in the first place. Like with cigarettes. He's a dad, he doesn't deserve to smoke as he used to. There's always been an exception to that rule, that one thing he keeps going back to. The one thing, the one person, Jin can't deny himself, not even to spare that other person.

He doesn't know how it started, who took the first step or who's to blame, but he and Kamenashi go so far back that he probably wouldn't remember it right anyway. The memories are blurred by the raging hormones of his teenage years, the fumbling and nervous first attempts in the dark seem like they happened to someone else. It's the same with most everything about the memories of him and Kamenashi, he can step outside of himself and watch it happen, completely detached from it all. He keeps refusing himself yet he always comes back for more.

-

They meet in the underground garage of a radio station. It's November and Jin has been recording a few promo spots for the station, his friend works there as one of the producers. They haven't actually seen each other for several years, and they've only ever exchanged a few words the last decade. He recognizes Kamenashi and his disguise first, even though he's got his back turned towards Jin, and walks over.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he says in greeting and smiles extra wide when Kamenashi spins around from where he's standing, reading something on his phone, by the trunk of his dark gray sedan.

“Oh my god, Akanishi!” Kamenashi says and lets out a nervous laughter, “you surprised me.”

“Sorry,” Jin says and holds his hands up in the air, trying his best to look innocent, “you know me, steps light as a ninja.”

“That was never a thing, Akanishi. You stomp,” Kamenashi argues. He's smiling genuinely now, as he always does when they accidentally meet at some event, or at a concert. Jin's not sure why his heart has started to beat extra hard, other than the fact that that's how it always acts, even now, whenever they're close.  
“Actually… I was wondering if you're busy. Tonight?” Jin says and feels the very familiar sense of thrill and anticipation. Kamenashi seems to be able to tell because his smile turns less bright and a bit more crooked.

“I'm free, this was my last schedule for today. I'm guessing… your place?” Kamenashi says and straightens. Jin only now notices the expensive suit, the polished leather shoes and his perfectly styled black hair. Where Jin has aged with a bit of strain and looks a bit worn in the edges, Kamenashi has aged with rounded lines and the grace of a celebrity. Sure, he's got wrinkles and he's probably got gray hairs under the black dye, but he somehow looks like he's not as bothered by the years as Jin. He's still handsome with his slightly crooked nose, those perfect eyebrows, and muscular arms.

Jin finds himself hesitating, he's not even sure how things used to go down between them, how they acted with each other. It's been so long that how he would've acted fifteen years ago doesn't really look relevant anymore.

“Well, I mean you place works fine,” Jin manages to say after clearing his throat. His heart beats so hard that he can barely hear.

For a moment it looks like Kamenashi is thrown off his feet, he hesitates and frowns for a second or two. Then he suddenly takes a step forward.

“Your place, works fine with me,” he says.

-

When Jin has said goodbye to Kamenashi and kissed him one last heated time by the front door he's sure that he'll call him again the next day. He goes to bed without thinking much about it, falls asleep on the left side of the bed as usual and only breathes in the lingering scent of Kamenashi once or twice. He doesn't bury his face in the pillows and take deep breathes. Maybe they can keep this casual, Jin at least hopes they can.

In the morning he's starting to doubt, and by midday he's convinced it was a big mistake. The resolution to call again get's buried in guilt and worry. He keeps reminding himself that they both have careers to protect, that the warnings he got all those years ago are as relevant today as they were back then. What if someone spots them as they go to either his place or Kamenashi's to meet up? What if one of those anonymous yet ever present sources manages to leak the scandal of him and Kamenashi fucking? When he thinks of being the focal point of the media once more he feels nauseated, so Jin decides to deny himself what he wants one more time.

-

It takes until January for his actions to catch up with him.

Jin knows how to fill his days with tasks, it keeps him busy and focused, and he manages very well until one day the phone rings and he sees the number displayed on the screen. The sun hangs low in the sky, giving a yellow tinge to the light that seeps in through his window blinds.

“Akanishi here,” he says as he answers the call, holding the square screen up to his ear. He's bracing.

“It's me, Kazuya,” Kamenashi says. His voice sounds a bit tired, but Jin figures it could be the connection.

“I just- I wanted to say that I really don't know why I thought you'd call this time. I feel ridiculous.”

Jin feels the guilt he's managed to bury the last month bubble up to the surface like toxic waste. A lifetime-worth of dredge and slime and murky waters looks equally bad with or without sprinkles of white lies and good intentions.

“I don't know what to say Kamenashi,” Jin says. He's sure he sounds as pathetic as he feels.

“Just don't ever call me again. I won't be your rebound fuck anymore, because that's all this is, isn't it?” Kamenashi says and it feels like he's somehow slapped Jin through the phone. Jin freezes and feels his cheeks heat up, feels exposed even if he's alone in his own home behind locked doors and closed windows.

“I feel stupid for not realizing that it would be the same even now, after all these years. You never really change, do you? The rest of us grew old and you're… you're exactly the same!” Kamenashi continues, his voice gaining pitch with every word. Jin wants to argue but he can't really, not in good conscience. He doesn't even know why he's not called Kamenashi, why he too thought that this time would be different, yet did nothing to actually change it. He sits by his kitchen table and rubs his eyes with his free hand, the sour bile of regret rising in his throat.

“I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable,” Jin says and hangs up before Kamenashi can point out any more of his very real faults. Then he forces himself not to think of the phone call again, or their meeting in November, until the memories flood and overflow an evening in August as he's watching his kids' dog, drinking beer on his couch, falling asleep in his clothes while watching a Chinese action movie.

-

It was made clear to him that friendships are good, even good for business, but something else or something _more_ was not only frowned upon but also very, very wrong. It would be to use young Kamenashi they had told him, and to use him wrongly. It would be better if he took a step back and re-evaluated how he would be friends with young Kamenashi from now on, how their work relationship might continue unscathed. Jin was twenty-one, or twenty-two, and the conversation made him feel ashamed and angry for all of the wrong reasons. A shame that he carried with him for a very long time, a shame that sometimes was indistinguishable from disgust.

Those feelings faded quickly, but they lived on in some form of another. Sometimes in the way Jin only called Kamenashi after he'd broken up with a girl. In the way Jin would spend every night for weeks inviting Kamenashi to his bed, only to suddenly stop and to fall into the bed of some girl without much explanation or apology towards Kamenashi. The guilt would eat Jin up until it got buried in the new and heated infatuation that came with every new girlfriend. At one point came an evening when he never invited Kamenashi back to his apartment, instead he ended up talking to Meisa at the party of their mutual friend.

When it a decade, and more, later ended with Meisa it's not surprising that Jin itches to call Kamenashi. It's what he'd always done before, yet this time he doesn't feel the urge as strong as he has before. It's easy for him to stop himself from even finding out Kamenashi's number, a number that's a few calls away at the most.

Back then, back when he had just entered his twenties and had not been able to gather the courage to ask Kamenashi to be his boyfriend, he'd somehow been pushed off course. Maybe it'd been the meeting with the agency managers, maybe it'd been cowardice, the cause didn't matter anymore. What matters is that Jin somehow knows that this is the time to get back on track.

He works pretty efficiently through Monday and Tuesday, but when Wednesday comes around he sits in his small office and stares at the wall. He disappears into his own thoughts later when he's supposed to spend some time writing music in his apartment. The walks he takes with Ted gets shifted later and later in the evening until he's out at midnight taking him for a walk on Friday. The only moments he's not thinking of Kamenashi is when he talks with his children on the phone.

Somehow, without managing to figure out how he's going to achieve it, he needs Kamenashi to forgive him. Even admitting the very censured truth to Tomo, that he's actually met up with Kamenashi, has set the wheels in motion.

-

On Saturday morning Jin reaches a peak of determination. Before he can regret it he dials Kamenashi's phone number. In the evening he finds himself standing outside of his apartment. It's the first time he's been to any of Kamenashi's apartments in a very long time, somehow they'd always ended up back at Jin's place. He'd never paid much attention to it back then, when they were still in their twenties, and now it feels a bit like kicking a hornets' nest to even ask himself the question _why_.

He's let inside about three seconds after he's rung the doorbell.

“Do you want a drink?” Kamenashi asks as soon as Jin stands up after reaching down to take off his shoes. There's a pair of white guest slippers set up on the floor by the genkan.

“Eh… water?” Jin says and does as he's told and puts the slippers on.

“Still or sparkling?”

“Sparkling.”

A moment passes when they just stand and look at each other, Kamenashi not moving towards the kitchen and Jin blocked by him in the hallway.

“I'll get you that water. Sit down on the couch,” Kamenashi says. He's much quicker than Jin to adapt to weird situations, which this just has to be, and Jin gladly lets him take the wheel.

The apartment is kind of small, and crammed full of boxes and shelves and piles of CDs and books and movie cases. Kamenashi has lined up family photos in stylish frames on the bookshelf next to the couch, among them stands a recent picture of him together with the remaining two members of KAT-TUN. Ueda looks just as he's always done but Nakamaru looks middle aged with un-styled hair and wearing a cardigan. The photo must've been taken on location somewhere. Nowadays he can look at photos and things related to his old agency without feeling much at all, it didn't use to be that way. It's awfully quiet in the apartment, thanks to the isolating window panes, quiet enough for Jin to feel very self-conscious. He sits down on the left side of the couch because it looks less used.

“It's nice,” Jin says and indicates the room in general. Kamenashi smiles at him from the other side of the kitchen breakfast bar, he's finished pouring mineral water into a tall glass.

“So what have you been up to this summer break?” Kamenashi asks as he rounds the counter and comes to set the glass down in front of Jin on the coffee table, finally taking a seat himself.

“Working, watching my kids' dog while they're on Okinawa,” Jin says. He's sitting awkwardly on Kamenashi's couch, not sure what to do with his legs or his arms.

“Then why didn't you go with them? Her parents are cool right?” Kamenashi asks.

“Her boyfriend is there too, so… it would've been weird if I came, even for a little while,” Jin explains.

“Oh,” Kamenashi says and frowns, perfectly plucked eyebrows drawn close, “I didn't know that she was… dating again.”

Jin takes a breath that he hopes sounds calm and unfazed.

“Well, they've been dating for little over a year. It's the main reason our separation didn't last and turned into a divorce instead,” he explains and Kamenashi looks shocked and curious at the same time. His eyes wide and doubtful, yet also leaning forward as if he wants more.

“What?” Jin asks and picks at some invisible lint on the hem of his T-shirt.

Kamenashi leans back again. Then leans forward once more. He looks indecisive and doesn't seem to know what to say. Maybe he's considering something scandalous.

“I just figured you'd be the one to… stray. You know?” Kamenashi finally says, after wringing his hands and probably weighing the pros and cons of honesty against each other very thoroughly. It makes Jin laugh, despite the reality of what they're talking about.

“You and the rest of the world. It's not like she cheated though, not really. We'd been separated for a while and even before that we weren't exactly doing great,” Jin pauses to look at Kamenashi closely, “but I think we probably shouldn't talk about this right now. It's uncomfortable for you too.”

To Kamenashi's credit he actually looks a bit sheepish and nods.

“Not a single word about it unless you bring it up yourself,” he says to Jin and mimics closing his mouth with a zipper.

“You wanted to talk to me about _something_ though,” Kamenashi reminds him.

He did, Jin definitely came to Kamenashi's apartment with a goal in mind, only now that he's here he's more nervous than he's ever been before stepping onto a stage. Maybe not as nervous as he'd been the day that his daughter was born, but it's a close second.

“I figured that talking to you in person would mean less misunderstandings. We always seem to walk circles around each other,” Jin says and shifts in his seat. He'd been practicing what to say on the way across half the city, but now it's all gone. He remembers the important beats to hit at least.

“I appreciate it,” Kamenashi says and nods, “and I will listen until you're finished, but you could've just called when you said you were going to. I don't get why you have to be so shady about it, I wouldn't have been as angry with you as when you suddenly called a month later – even if you did call to say it was a _mistake_.”

Jin sits staring at him, completely at a loss of words.

“I-” he starts, but Kamenashi continues.

“And I know that you've been feeling ashamed since twenty years ago, I know that you needed time to figure things out on your own, but nothing ever happened.”

“Okay, okay, I was dead scared. It's just that… It's hard to ignore that every time we spend more than a few days together it feels like I'm where I belong. That's what scared me the most,” Jin blurts out. 

Kamenashi is looking just as surprised as Jin feels about that confession. They react and move at the exact same time and meet somewhere at the middle of the couch for a kiss. It's the most intense kiss Jin has had since he can't remember when, Kame's mouth is warm and soft, just like it always is, and his hand has come up to rest on Jin's cheek. Every millimeter of skin that's touched by Kame is on fire and tingling, he would've been weak to his knees if he were standing up just by the movement of Kame's tongue. He's tasting every part of Jin's mouth, and Jin just angles his head, not even bothering to stop the noises he's making. At some point, when they're both short on air, the kiss breaks for a moment and Jin puts his arms around Kame, hanging on for dear life.

This sudden turn of events is the best thing he could ever have hoped for.

“We really should talk more, sometime, not now but later,” Jin mumbles into Kame's hair. It makes Kame laugh.

“Yamashita told me you were moping, he even said that your ex wife had asked him to keep an eye on you because she thought you were becoming depressed. When I pressed on he admitted that you'd been getting worse since sometime after New Years – I put two and two together.”

Jin leans back a bit so he can look at Kame, Kame who's looking back with as much intent and looking years younger with a huge smile on his face.

“You've been checking up one me?” Jin asks. It's a surprise, he's never even imagined that Kame might be as obsessed with, or… fascinated by him as he is with Kame. That he might had been going through the same issues as Jin had back when they were so much younger.

“Of course!” Kame says and Jin kisses him hard again.

It feels just as safe and just as thrilling to have Kame's hands on him as it has always felt. It's even better to be the one to touch, to slide his hands under Kame's button-down shirt and run them across the naked skin on his back. Jin let's Kame push him backwards until he's underneath Kame, lying with his back on the couch. They both let out a moan when Kame manages to line their crotches up, the sudden friction sending Jin's nerve ends into a frenzy. It doesn't take long for him to come like this, them moving frantically against each other, with Kame's tongue in his mouth, his hands on Kame's back and sneaking down underneath the waistband. The pleasure hits him hard, blinding him with white static underneath his lids, their movements eventually still and he gathers enough energy to open his eyes again.

Kame is looking down at him with his biggest smile, his face framed by his hair hanging down. Jin can feel himself smiling just as widely back. When Jin takes slow breath after breath it's almost painful with joy.

“Let's continue this in bed,” Jin says and Kame chuckles a little at how he slurs the words. The way he smirks can still make Jin's guts twist with anticipation.

“I thought you'd never ask.”

-

Jin leaves late that night, with just enough margin to catch the last train, because he's got a dog at home waiting for him. Kame only lets him leave after he promises to bring Ted around for dinner the following evening. He's got no problem at all with making a promise like that and he leaves Kame's fancy high-security apartment building with a soaring heart. It's a little less of a margin than he'd wanted in order to make it to the train station, but fifteen minutes of kissing in the hallway had only felt like one at the most.

Even if people stare at him on the subway he doesn't notice or care. He used to dread taking a train, a cab was much more predictable and private, but he takes them more and more now. As buildings and tunnels and roads flash by outside the windows he thinks of how he used to ride the trains all the time when he had just started his career. How they all traveled on the subway and how it had tickled in his stomach that first time he went to a place outside of Tokyo by train with the other juniors in the agency. That first night that he had noticed Kame as they were telling ghost stories, thirteen boys crammed into a small room in an inn so scruffy that the paint had started peeling off the walls and ceilings, all trying to keep quiet and to not draw the attention of the sour man in charge of the night watch.

Kame had been tiny then, and he's still pretty small now, even though he's gained muscle and years. He had been so tiny that the sleeping bag had been big enough to swallow him and another kid that Jin can't remember the name of – all he can remember is that Kame laughed when the others drew terrified breaths. In an instant he decided that Kame – although he didn't know his name yet – with his caterpillar eyebrows and slightly wonky teeth, would become his friend.

Jin is still walking on clouds when he brings Ted for his morning walk, Jin even greets the man in the convenience store cheerfully without any suspicion or apprehension. When some children keep looking at Ted dog in the park he even beckons them over and says that they can pet Ted if they want to. He hasn't done anything that carefree in years, and it feels good.

-

When Meisa calls in the afternoon he's a bit surprised at first. He's been calling and mailing the kids regularly, enjoying how fascinated Yuu is by the crabs hiding under rocks along the seashore, or Theia's enraptured descriptions of the cool temple they went to see and the tokens you could buy there, but Meisa hasn't asked to talk to him this whole week.

They chat for a while, about Ted and how Jin had lunch with Tomo last Sunday and about the flowers Jin doesn't have to go and water because the lady who cleans Meisa's house once a week is taking care of that.

After a while Meisa falls quiet for a moment, and she has got that special “no nonsense” kind of voice that she's perfected when she speaks again.

“You sound happier, Jin. I was getting worried about you there for a while, you haven't been quite yourself for months.”

“I know… I didn't want you to worry, but I was kinda pathetic there for a while. I think it's only going to get better from now on though,” Jin replies and thinks about Kame cooking him pasta later in the evening when Kame gets off from work at the TV studio. He thinks about bringing Ted for the first time, and about how Kame for some reason isn't a dog owner anymore. Kame is not entirely Kame without a dog, at least that's how Jin sees it.

“I'm glad to hear that,” Jin can hear her smile through the phone,”dare I ask what has changed?”

“I'll tell you sometime, when you get back,” Jin says and hopes that she too can hear him smile all the way across the distance from Tokyo to Okinawa.

-

Jin is not afraid anymore, he doesn't feel the shame anymore that he felt when the adult world caught up with him. He doesn't mind how the years melt together and how he can't remember who fell into bed with who. He doesn't care about what other people will say because he knows what those he cares about will say.

When Jin thinks of Kame, of Kazuya, after all these years of denying himself their friendship he only feels the first budding sensation of finally allowing two decades of infatuation and the love he's always shied away from to bloom.

-

**Tomo, to Jin**  
Message sent at 7:34 pm  
Unread  
 _JIN WHEN were you going to mention you were freaking SLEEPING with Kamenashi?!!??!!_ [turtle emoji] [explosion emoji] _You're the worst friend ever – I had to hear it from Kazuya when I called to see if he was free for dinner :((_

_I want all the details later!_ [smiling devil emoji]

 

~~~

**_You_ & I**


End file.
